Already Dead
by weirdgirl42
Summary: Tony's being tortured and the team can't figure out why. My idea of how Ziva could come back. Tiva. LAST CHAPTER POSTED
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything. _

**Already Dead**

**Chapter 1**

There's a difference between hoping for death and simply being indifferent to its inevitability. Tony knew this difference well. He was currently living the dichotomy in his own mind. Tied to a chair. In the middle of the desert. His lips were dry and cracked, just like they had been the last time. His skin was caked with dust and blood and sweat, just as it had been the last time. Tony knew he should be having a strange sense of déjà vu. But he wasn't.

When Saleem had sat across from him in that cell that day so long ago, Tony's heart had pounded in his chest. All the pain of losing Ziva, the image of her drowned in a storm, the memory of their last anger-filled words, it all bubbled beneath the surface of his trademark bravado. Tony knew Saleem would die that day. Tony hoped he would too. Anything to make the pain stop. Anything but having to live with a heart torn out of its chest by four words, "there were no survivors."

Now, tied to a slightly larger chair in a slightly smaller room, Tony felt no pain. His body was numb to the heat of the Iraqi desert. Oblivious to the cuts and bruises sustained over two days of torture. Even when they attached the car battery to his chest and electricity caused his body to convulse, Tony floated above it in a fog of calm acceptance. Death would come, it didn't matter when.

Maybe, Tony thought idly as his captors once against shot currents through his chest, maybe that was the real difference. In Somalia, death had been the only thing that mattered. Now, nothing mattered.

XXXXXXXXXX

The mission had been doomed from the start. McGee saw that now. Even if Tony had been at the top of his game, there was no way he would have ever succeeded. There was a small part of McGee that blamed Gibbs. Gibbs should have known. Gibbs should have seen the double-cross coming. He was angry at Gibbs, and at himself. They had let Tony go alone. Trusted that Captain Russo would keep the agent safe.

It still didn't make complete sense though. They now knew that Russo and his men were working with the terrorist cell responsible for a drug trade that spanned three countries. They knew that the soldiers had made enormous sums of money clearing red tape and protecting the cell's interests. What they didn't know was what the group wanted with Tony. Why had Russo showed up at NCIS headquarters to report a drug smuggling ring that was working in tandem with US Marines in Iraq? Why had he convinced Gibbs to send Tony to oversee the take-down? And why, more than anything else, why was the group sending NCIS videos of Tony being tortured?

It didn't make sense. Abby could find no connection between the men and Tony. The horrors Tony was being subjected to seemed so personal and yet, they couldn't figure out why. McGee couldn't watch anymore. He avoided MTAC and refused to be there when new videos were sent. Agent Paul Henry had offered to watch the videos, knowing that since he was the newest member of the team, he had the weakest personal connection to Tony. McGee was grateful for the offer, but Gibbs had refused.

Gibbs had watched every video. Stared at the screen looking for any indication of where Tony was, and why he was being targeted. McGee didn't know how Gibbs did it. Abby said that it had to do with guilt, she was probably right.

XXXXXXXXXX

Gibbs stood in MTAC, arms crossed, eyes fixed on the screen. He watched as his senior field agent was beaten again and again. The assailants asked no questions, made no demands. Gibbs' blood boiled in his veins and every time the camera showed Tony's face, he felt his heart sink even more. He knew the image of that face would haunt him for the rest of his life. How could he have missed the fact that his right hand man was so far gone?

Tony's body was slowly being beaten to death. But his face was that of a man who was already dead.

Gibbs felt rather than heard Agent Henry walk up next to him. "Is it just me," Henry said, "Or are they starting to look more desperate?"

Gibbs' forehead crinkled. But then he tore his eyes away from the image of Tony's face and focused on the attackers. Henry was right. They did seem more desperate than in previous videos. But that made no sense. Why would they be more desperate when they had yet to ask for anything?

"What could they want?" Henry said, voicing Gibbs' thoughts. "It's like, they're upset we're not acting the way we should have."

Gibbs was silent for a minute. Then all at once it hit him. "Not the way we should have," he said, "the way we would have."

Before Henry could ask for clarification, Gibbs was up the stairs out the door.

_TBC_

_Please review._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I know what they want," Gibbs said as he walked into Abby's lab. He'd made a beeline there, not even registering Henry's presence on his heels.

McGee and Abby's heads swung around, their eyes full of hope and trust. For a moment, Gibbs felt a stab of guilt. Tony had that same trust, and Gibbs had let him down. But he shook off those thoughts and focused on the matter at hand. "They're upset," he said. "Something isn't going the way they wanted it to. If they wanted something from us, they'd tell us or at least give us something to go on. But what if they think they have given us something to go on. They've shown us their faces, why would they do that?"

"We've run facial recognition Boss," McGee said. "We have no record of who these men are."

"Still," Henry interjected, "they do seem to be acting like we should know who they are."

"A year ago," Gibbs said, "what would we have done if this had happened? What would have been different?"

There was silence as all three team members contemplated the words. In the end, it was Henry who figured it out. "You would have had Ziva," he said softly.

Abby and McGee's eyes widened in comprehension. "It wasn't a trap for Tony," McGee said.

"He's the bait," Abby finished. "But Gibbs, no one's heard from Ziva for a year. Not even Tony. We have no way of contacting her."

"And even if she does know who they are," McGee added, "It's not like we can send her off after them. Not after…after everything."

"No," Gibbs said solemnly, "we can't. But it does give us a place to start. These guys want Ziva and she knows who they are. Let's figure out why and how."

XXXXXXXXXX

On the other side of the equator, Ziva sat staring out at the ocean. She had been in Colombia for nearly a week. Visiting Monique and other old friends. After a year she was finally beginning to feel peaceful. The darkness that had threatened to swallow her had gone and she could remember herself before the army, before Tali and Ari and her mother and her father were taken away.

She missed the team, there was no denying that. She missed Abby's energy, McGee's goodness, Gibbs' silent strength. And she missed Tony's…everything. She ached for him really. Some nights she would dream that he was beside her. Not speaking, not even touching. Just his comforting presence, his unwavering support at her side. At least once a week she would sit in front of her laptop staring at a blank email. She didn't know what to say, there wasn't anything to say.

It wouldn't be fair to him. She didn't know what she could promise him. He'd crossed oceans for her so many times in the past, she couldn't ask him to do it again when she wasn't sure what would be waiting for him.

The sounds of seagulls washed over her as Ziva stretched her arms above her head. Glancing over at her computer she realized she had a new message from her aunt. She smiled as she opened the email but her smile immediately faded.

_Ziva,_

_You're aunt said she knew how to contact you and she promised to forward this message on. Tony's been taken by Iraqi drug smugglers. We think it might have originally been a trap for you. You might be the only chance we have to find him. I know you wanted to leave this life behind. But I also know that you care about Tony. I once watched him fly across the world so that he could avenge your death. And I know that if the situations had been reversed, you would have gone to Africa for him. I hope that's still true. Please come home to Washington Ziva, please help us save him._

_-Abby_

Ziva read the email twice. It was strange how a few sentences could resurrect everything she had worked so hard to fight against. It was everything she had been, the world she had fought so hard to leave behind. If she went, she would undo all the work of the past year. It was only after a few minutes that she realized the email contained an attachment. She clicked the link and a photo appeared on her screen. It showed Tony's face, bruised and bloody, staring at the camera. Ziva felt bile in her throat as she stared into his eyes. Then she saw another face, a face from her nightmares. She knew who had Tony, she knew where he was.

_TBC_

_Please review!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Tony had to admit, dying hurt a lot less when you didn't care. He remembered vividly how much dying from the plague had hurt. He remembered how much it had hurt to fight against Saleem's truth serum. In his mind, he knew he should feel pain. But it was as if the numbness had made a protective bubble around his body, shielding him from the agony he should feel.

Another day had passed, or maybe it was two. There were no windows in his cell. They had untied him from the chair and thrown him into a new room. Every so often two of them would come in. One would pound on him for a while, the other would film it. Tony wondered who the movies were for. But not enough to ask. He hadn't spoken since Russo's betrayal. He wasn't even sure if he could still speak.

He wondered what he looked like. He remembered when they'd found Ziva, when the bag had come off her head and he'd never been so happy to see a ghost. He remembered the look in her eyes, the look of defeat. That look had stayed in her eyes for months after Somalia, maybe even years.

Ziva. If he closed his eyes tightly enough he could see her standing on that tarmac. He could smell olive trees and feel the wind on his face. He could taste her kiss and hear her voice, _you are so loved._ If he closed his eyes tightly enough he could forget about hunger and thirst and exhaustion. He could be with her one more time before he died, even if it was only in his memory.

Reaching into his pocket, Tony could feel heat radiating off of his leg. Infection. Naturally. His khakis were torn in several places from being tossed around. As he rooted around in his pocket he once again felt a small level of amazement that they hadn't found it. His fingers grasped the delicate chain and he pulled the necklace out. His eyes were mostly swollen shut but he could feel the familiar star-shaped pendant. He knew exactly how many links were in the chain and he counted them over and over as though it were a rosary. He was happy he still had it. If the team ever found his body, maybe they could get it back to Ziva for him. They could tell her, he tried to keep it safe.

XXXXXXXXX

Tony was jolted awake before he realized he'd fallen asleep. He tried to open his eyes, tried to focus on the images swimming in front of his face. But it was a lost cause at this point. There was shouting, and shooting, and more shouting. Doors were slamming open and people called to each other in a foreign language. But it wasn't Arabic, he'd heard enough over the last few days to know that. He tried to decipher the words but it was as if his mind was incapable of holding a complete thought.

The footsteps were getting closer. When the door to his cell swung open Tony laid his head down on the floor in relief. Finally. It would be over now. They were obviously in a rush. They'd kill him quickly.

A shout. A rush of footsteps. A body leaning down over his. Then something different. A cool hand on his forehead. And his name spoken in frantic tones.

He was lifted off the ground and for a moment Tony thought maybe he was dead. But he heard the sound of helicopter blades and felt water being poured over his face. And still his name. His name repeated over and over again.

_TBC_

_Please review. Probably two more chapters to go._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

In the movies, it's always beeping machines that wake people up in hospitals. Tony hated that cliché. Hospital rooms didn't beep. At least not in his experience. Hospital rooms buzzed a little when the IV injected more pain medication. Sometimes alarms would sound when monitors were out of alignment or if a patient crashed. Tony guessed that movies had to show the beeping because they couldn't show the real markers of a hospital. They couldn't show how all hospitals smelled the same. Couldn't show how all hospital sheets felt the same and rubbed in a particular way against the drafty gowns. Tony knew he was in a hospital as soon as he awoke. But it was never beeping that woke him up. It was footsteps.

Usually it was a nurse's footsteps. They came in to check vitals and monitor progress. Sometimes it was visitors' footsteps coming into the room, pacing, tapping. Tony knew before he opened his eyes that the footsteps currently in his room were not a nurse's. Nurses wore lightweight tennis shoes or sometimes Crocs. The shoes currently worrying holes in the hospital room floor were heavier, he could hear the echo of a thick sole against the tile.

Tony tried to open his eyes. They were still swollen almost shut. But the right eye could open enough for him to confirm that he was still alive, and he wasn't alone. He tried to speak but his throat was too dry to form words. Instead all that came out was a faint rasp.

At once there was a flutter of activity. A straw was brought to his lips and he drank until he wasn't permitted to anymore. He coughed and there were hands on him. Pen lights in his eyes. Cool metal pressed against his aching chest. Tony didn't need the alarms going off to tell him that his heart had begun to race and it was getting harder to breathe.

Then there was a hand on his cheek and a voice in his ear. "It is alright Tony. Breathe."

He calmed immediately and turned his face into her palm. "Ziva?" he whispered.

Her thumb brushed tears from his eyes. "I'm here, Ahava."

Tony's mind raced. He wanted to know how she had found him, where he she had been, where they were now, how she had gotten him free. But instead only one word escaped. "Why?" he gasped.

Ziva kissed his head and rested her cheek against his hair. "Could not live without you I guess."

XXXXXXXXXX

Tony was asleep when Ziva looked up and saw Gibbs standing in the doorway. She let go of her former partner's hand and rose to face her former boss. Gibbs' face was unreadable, though that was nothing new. Of all the ways Ziva had imagined seeing him again, a hospital in Bagdad was not one she had contemplated. Ziva shifted on her feet, what do you say to someone after a year? She settled for simplicity.

"Hello Gibbs." When she saw his features soften she felt her chest tighten and tears poke at the back of her eyes.

After what seemed like days, Gibbs smiled and drew Ziva into his arms. "Missed ya Ziver," he said quietly. He pulled away and looked down at Tony asleep in the bed. "How did you know?"

Ziva raised an eyebrow.

Gibbs nodded in understanding. "Abby."

They were silent for a while, both watching Tony's chest move up and down with each breath. "I never meant for you to get involved," Gibbs said. "I know you left all this behind."

Ziva shook her head. "I never wanted to leave all of you behind. That was not the purpose. I just…I could not see how else to heal."

Gibbs nodded. He had always understood. Abby and McGee had been hurt by Ziva's seeming abandonment. Tony had simply shut down. But Gibbs had understood the need to break away. He had done the same all those years ago in Mexico. The point had never been to leave the team, but sometimes there was no other way. Now he looked at Ziva and saw that the year had indeed given some measure of comfort and peace. But just like he had returned when Ziva had called him in Mexico, he knew she would always come back if necessary.

"Who was it?" he asked after another long pause.

Ziva took a deep breath. "Hassan Bitar. I recognized his face in the picture Abby sent. An old enemy of my father's. It was relatively easy after that. I still have many friends who owe me favors. Though now," she said as she once again cataloged the numerous cuts and bruises on Tony's face, "now I wonder if I will ever be able to repay them."

Gibbs said nothing. There was nothing to say. He could see the conflicting emotions playing across her features. He knew all too well how different parts of your life could pull you in completely different directions. And he also knew that sometimes a person needed a little push.

"Doctors say he can get transported to Bethesda tomorrow. They're pretty sure his ribs are stable enough that he won't rupture a lung. Bethesda is a better place for him now."

Ziva nodded and Gibbs could see panic in her eyes. She had not entertained the idea that she would be separated from Tony so soon. He nudged her shoulder with his own. "Coming home doesn't mean the same thing as going back to your old life you know," he said. Ignoring her surprised look he continued, "He needs you Ziver. He's not there without you."

With that, Gibbs pulled out the fancy cell phone McGee had given him before he left and walked into the hall to call NCIS. Abby, McGee, and Henry knew Tony was alive but they would want more details he was sure.

Ziva sat back down in the chair next to Tony's bed and picked up his hand. In his sleep, Tony entwined their fingers and Ziva saw that his heart rate lowered slightly. On the other chair she saw that the nurses had put the bag with his personal effects. She opened the bag and immediately tossed the bloody, torn shirt into the trash. She was about to do the same with the equally destroyed pants when something fell out of the pocket. Reaching down she held back a sob when she realized what it was.

She picked up the necklace and held it tightly in her hand. What kind of man would keep this in his pocket for a year? What kind of woman would walk away from a man like that? Gently letting go of Tony's hand she clasped the star of David around her neck, relief at the familiar weight. She ran her fingers over his forehead, smiling when she felt him relax even more.

"I am sorry Tony," she said quietly. "You were right again. If we are to heal, we should do it together." She leaned forward and kissed his brow. "Count to one billion Ahava," she said against his skin, "and I will still be here."

_TBC_

_One chapter left. Please review, I love hearing from you all._


	5. Chapter 5

_Well we have come to the end. Thanks to everyone who read and everyone who reviewed. Here's hoping we haven't seen the last of Ziva and the NCIS we all love._

**Chapter 5**

Abby and McGee stood next to the ambulance at Andrews Air Force Base. The cargo plane they had been watching land now taxied to a stop fifty yards away. They uncovered their ears as the plane's engines powered down. Finally back hatch opened.

Gibbs appeared first, then EMTs pushing a gurney down the ramp. Abby grasped McGee's arm, even from the distance they could see how terrible Tony looked. Then McGee heard Abby gasp and he followed her gaze back to the top of the ramp. His eyes widened as he took in the image of a woman he thought he'd never see again.

The EMTs hurried towards the ambulance, Gibbs leading the way and Ziva running alongside, her hand clasped tightly in Tony's. When they reached the ambulance, Abby wasted no time throwing her arms around Ziva. "I knew you'd come back," she whispered. "Promise you won't leave us again."

Ziva closed her eyes, wondering if she could ever fully repair the damage her leaving had caused. "I promise Abby." She pulled away and looked over at McGee who was staring at her with an unreadable expression. "Hello McGee," she said, meeting his eyes.

McGee shook his head and turned away, unable to deal with her on top of everything else. The awkward moment was broken when Gibbs touched Ziva's shoulder. "Get in if you're going Ziver," he said.

Ziva nodded and handed him her duffel before climbing into the back of the ambulance. It sped off, sirens blaring. When it was out of sight Abby turned to McGee and smacked his shoulder. "What's the matter with you?" she asked. "She's back."

"She's come back before Abby." McGee said. "Doesn't mean she'll stay. And then we'll be left picking up the pieces, again."

XXXXXXXXXX

By the time they all met up again at the hospital, Tony was asleep. The stress of the trip combined with morphine had knocked him right out. Ziva was sitting in her now customary place next to the bed when the others walked in.

"How is he?" Abby asked.

Ziva stood and ran a hand over her face. "Four broken ribs that are healing. A broken wrist and a hairline fracture in his cheek. His leg is infected and they are monitoring him for fever. They are also monitoring his concussion. He was in the hospital for two days in Bagdad before he woke up."

"Will he be…I mean…." Abby trailed off.

Ziva gave a tired smile. "They believe he will make a full recovery. There do not appear to be signs of brain damage and unless the infection gets worse, his body will heal."

Abby let out a sigh of relief and leaned her head against Gibbs' shoulder. Gibbs wrapped an arm around her. "He's gonna be fine Abbs. You should go home and get some sleep."

When Abby began to protest Ziva stopped her. "I will stay with him Abby. He will not be alone." This was enough for the lab tech and she allowed Gibbs to walk her out of the room.

Ziva had turned her attention back to Tony and was surprised when McGee cleared his throat. Looking over at her former teammate Ziva felt a wave of guilt. She could see the conflict in his eyes, the confusion, the anger. "McGee…" she began.

"No Ziva," McGee interrupted. "You listen to me."

Ziva was taken aback but stayed silent.

"If you're going to leave," McGee said, he jaw set and his eyes hard, "then leave now. Before he wakes up. We could convince him he hallucinated you and he won't have to go through you leaving again."

Ziva felt the words like a punch to the stomach. She deserved his anger, she knew that, but it still hurt.

"Look," McGee continued, realizing the effect his words were having, "I get why you had to stay away. I understand that you couldn't be here anymore. But it isn't fair to Tony for you to keep coming back only to leave again. He won't be able to take it, none of us will."

It was in that moment that Ziva really looked at McGee and saw how much he was hurting, how much she had hurt him. She remembered the way his arm had felt so strong under her shoulders that day in Somalia. She remembered that he too had flown across the world for her, not knowing if he'd live through the mission. Even if she hadn't already decided to stay, the look on his face would have decided it for her. She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around him. It took a moment but she finally felt his shoulders slump and his arms came up to hug her back.

"I am sorry McGee. I never meant to hurt any of you. But I could see no other way. I promise I will not leave again. Not unless he is coming with me."

McGee gave a sigh of relief and pulled back from the hug. "Well then," he said. "Welcome back."

Ziva smiled and kissed his cheek.

"You moving in on my ninja McGeek?" came a weak voice.

McGee and Ziva turned to see that Tony's eyes were open and he was smiling at them both. "Not a chance Tony," McGee replied, unable to wipe the smile off his face.

Ziva had moved back to her place at Tony's side, his hand once again grasped in hers. Tony's head followed her, even though they could see that the movement was painful. "Good," he said, "wouldn't want to have to kick your ass."

McGee laughed and shook his head. "I'll see you tomorrow Tony. I'm glad you're okay."

"You and me both Probie."

With that McGee walked back into the hallway and leaned against the wall. Maybe, after everything that happened, things were going to get better.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Are you really here?" Tony asked, reaching up to touch her cheek with his uninjured hand.

"Yes Tony," Ziva replied, running her fingers through his hair. "I am here."

"I dreamed it so many times," he admitted. His throat was still hoarse and he began to cough with the strain of speaking. Ziva helped him sip some water but he stopped her from pushing the morphine button just yet. His ribs might have been on fire, but he didn't want to go back to sleep right away, she might disappear if he closed his eyes. Ziva acquiesced to his silent request and gave him a moment to breathe through the pain.

After a few moments Tony's ribs no longer felt like they were trying to escape his chest and he relaxed back into the bed. Ziva was still stroking his hair and he could see the tears in her eyes. He reached up to wipe them away but something caught his attention and his hand stopped halfway to her face.

Ziva followed his confused stare and smiled. "I hope you do not mind," she said.

Tony shook his head almost imperceptivity and slowly reached up to touch the star of David that now hung in its rightful place on her neck. He swallowed heavily and took as deep a breath as his chest would allow. "You staying then?" he whispered, unable to meet her eyes on the chance that the answer was no.

Ziva took his hand in hers, leaned forward, and kissed him gently. "Can you forgive me?" she asked.

This time it was Tony who initiated the kiss. When they finally pulled apart there were tears on both their faces. "You're the love of my life Ziva," he said. "I can forgive anything, and we can figure anything out. As long as you stay, or at least let me come with you."

Ziva was unable to do anything but nod. Tony sighed in relief and leaned back against his pillow. She could tell that he was quickly losing the fight with sleep and leaned forward to rest her head next to his. It was a position her back would not thank her for, but she didn't care.

"Rest Ahava," she said. "I will be here when you wake up."

Tony closed his eyes and Ziva thought he had fallen asleep when he spoke again. "Thank you for coming for me."

Ziva laid her hand over his heart, calmed by the steady beat. "It was my turn," she said.

There was a difference between living and existing. Tony knew the difference well. As he drifted into sleep, he could feel her breath against his face, feel her hand on his chest. For the last year he had been existing in the world. Going through the motions of being. Death may still be inevitable, but now he knew he would live until then.

**The End**

_Thank you all for reading, please review if you have time._


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